In a development that stunned almost nobody in the sports handicapping industry, retired tout Oscar “OC” Dooley has reportedly moved into a nursing home — although Dooley vehemently denies that the facility constitutes “assisted living.”
“It’s an independent residential sports information compound,” Dooley insisted, moments before asking an orderly to adjust his pillow and find the remote.
Dooley, formally known as Chris Jordan, reinvented himself years ago with a new name. Industry veterans say the transformation was remarkably successful in one respect: people temporarily thought he was somebody else.
Unfortunately, according to longtime observers, only the name changed.
The same bullshit associated with the Chris Jordan era survived the transition to Oscar “OC” Dooley, proving once again that while a tout can change his name, changing the contents of the package is considerably more difficult.
Dooley enjoyed his greatest visibility during the scorephone era, when handicappers competed for callers through recorded updates. Critics contend Dooley mastered a particularly innovative marketing strategy: relentless self-promotion at the expense of thy brethren.
Once the scorephones disappeared and Dooley could no longer remind everyone how important he was every few minutes, his relevance reportedly declined at approximately the same rate as demand for a 900 number.
Sources say Dooley is now settling comfortably into retirement, though he remains adamant that he does NOT reside in assisted living.
“This is absolutely not assisted living,” Dooley declared while waiting for assistance getting to lunch.
The controversy has apparently spread to fellow residents.
Several complain about hearing lengthy, incoherent monologues emanating from Dooley’s room. Although nobody can completely decipher them, residents believe he may be attempting to brag about winning selections after the games have already been played.
“He came into breakfast talking about how he knew the Yankees were the play yesterday,” one resident said. “I told him the game ended 14 hours ago. Then he started yelling something about a documented late steam move.”
Another resident became suspicious when Dooley announced an undefeated 6-0 card shortly after receiving the previous day’s newspaper.
Facility administrators insist there is no cause for alarm.
“Mr. Dooley is adjusting well,” a staff member said. “We encourage residents to reminisce about their glory days. We just usually don’t have residents retroactively releasing selections from those glory days.”
Dooley reportedly plans to remain active in retirement, with rumors of a new scorephone being installed next to the nurses’ station.
Calls will be accepted immediately after the final scores are posted.
