President Obama Announces 2009 NCAA Tournament Stimulus Plan

President Barack Obama has announced a stimulus plan for the 2009 NCAA Tournament. Under the proposal, the most successful teams will have wins removed from them and redistributed to the most inept squads.

At a rally to promote his plan, Obama told a citizen merely identified as "Joe the Face Painter" that the successful teams must "share the victories."

The 2009 Big Dance brackets see Yeshiva College as the top seed in the Eastern Regional. The Reverend Jesse Jackson immediately demanded a boycott of all Yeshiva games noting that the school has no black rabbis on their staff.

The surprising top seed in the Western Regional is Trinity Washington University. When conservative commentator Laura Ingraham pointed out that Trinity Washington does not even have a men's basketball team and that they may have been given top seed because it's the alma mater of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Vice President Joe Biden was quick to respond.

Biden retorted, "When the stock market crashed, I recall President Franklin Pierce going on ESPN and reassuring America that their bracket office pools would get a New Deal."

Obama also announced creation of the Gerrymandered grouping, the "Somewhere in the Vicinity of the Pacific Ocean Region" in which Sacramento State was given top seed. When posed as to why the Hornets are going to the Big Dance with a 2-27 record, Obama commented that head coach Brian Katz should not be help accountable for the fact the team has only deteriorated under his leadership because the program he inherited had problems "wrapped in a big red bow when he got there".

Hence Sacramento State will be granted a free pass for four years and possibly eight if the New York Times plan succeeds. Wright State was given the top seed in the Midwest because Obama likes the name.

In a related note, President Obama's choice for Selection Committee Chair, Dave Bliss has come under fire. Apparently unknown to the White House vetting committee is the fact that Bliss was fired as Baylor head coach when he tried to cover up circumstances surrounding the death of player Patrick Dennehy. Selection Sunday Spokesperson Jim Harrick called it "a minor transgression" and blamed the controversy on Rush Limbaugh.

This year's NCAA Tournament will be broadcast exclusively by MSNBC with radio play-by-play being handled by Air America.

Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews will handle objective commentary on television while Arianna Huffington of the Huff and Puffington Post does the radio chores.